Cast:
– Dr. Jon Greyer (a scientist)
– Steven Landon  (a hero)
– Saoirse O'Riordan (a heroine)
– Will Hart (a handyman)
– Emily Hart (a domestic)
– Krys Barter  (a groupie)
– Edward Stargazer (a rival scientist)
– Aurora (a creation)
– Michael Merino (ex-delivery boy)
– Jax Dynan (an expert)

The Transylvanians:
– The Limbo Mob




Science Fiction/Double Feature

Usherette (lips)::   Michael Rennie was ill The Day the Earth Stood Still But he told us where we stand. And Flash Gordon was there in silver underwear, Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. Then something went wrong for Fay Wray and King Kong; They got caught in a celluloid jam. Then at a deadly pace, it came from... Outer Space. And this is how the message ran:

Chorus::  Science fiction, double feature Doctor X will build a creature. See androids fighting Saoirse and Steven. Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh At the late night, double feature, picture show.

Usherette (lips)::   I knew Leo G. Carrol Was over a barrel When Tarantula took to the hills And I really got hot When I saw Jeanette Scott Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills. Dana Andrews said Prunes Gave him the runes And passing them used lots of skills
But When Worlds Collide, Said George Powell to his bride, "I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills," Like a...

Chorus::  Science fiction, double feature Doctor X will build a creature. See androids fighting Saoirse and Steven. Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show. I wanna go Oh Oh Oh To the late night, double feature, picture show. By RKO, Oh Oh Oh To the late night, double feature picture show. In the back row, Oh Oh Oh To the late night, double feature, picture show.

(lips fade into a picture of a cross)

Bedlamian::  Here they come! (Bedlamian cheer and throw rice)

Photographer::  Let's get a picture. Close together now. The folks and then the grandparents. Just of the close family. Ahhh, hold that. Beautiful. And... (snap)

Bedlamian::  Congratulations.

Ralph::  I guess we finally did it, huh.

Steven:: I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Stargazer's Refresher class.

Ralph::  Well to tell you the truth, Steven, That's the only reason I showed up in the first place. (chuckles)

Betty::  O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)

Ralph::  Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet.

Saoirse::  I got it! I got it!

Ralph::  Hey big fella looks like it could be your turn next, eh?

Steven::  Who knows.

Ralph::  well, so long, see you Steven. Guess we better get going now Betty. Come on, hop in.

(Steven hits the car twice. They drive away)

Saoirse::  Oh Steven, wasn't it wonderful? Wasn't Betty radiantly beautiful? I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain old Betty Monroe, and now... now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.

Steven::  Yes Saoirse, Ralph is a lucky guy.

Saoirse::  Yes.

Bedlamian::  I always cry at weddings.

Steven::  Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.

Saoirse::  Yes.

Steven::  Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion in a year or two.

Saoirse::  Yes.

Steven::  Hey Saoirse.

Saoirse::  Yes Steven?

Steven::  I've got something to say

Saoirse::  Uh huh.

Steven::  I really love the skillful way... you beat the other girls... to the bride's bouquet.

Saoirse::  Oh Steven.

Steven::  The river was deep but I swam it (Saoirse)  The future is ours so let's plan it. (Saoirse)  So please don't tell me to can it. (Saoirse) I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Saoirse I love you. The road was long but I ran it  (Saoirse)  There's a fire in my heart and you fan it (Saoirse) If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Saoirse) I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Saoirse I love you. Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker.
There's three ways that love can grow That's good, bad, or mediocre. Oh S-A-O-I-R-S-E
I love you so.

Saoirse::  Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. Now we're engaged and I'm so glad  That you met Mom and you know Dad. I've one thing to say and that's Steven, I'm mad, for you too Oh Steven...

Steven::  Oh... dammit.

Saoirse::  I'm mad...

Steven::  Oh... Saoirse.

Saoirse::  ...for you.

Steven::  I love you too.

Saoirse & Steven::  There's one thing left to do - ah - oo.

Steven::  And that's go see the man who began it. When we met in his science exam-it Made me give you the eye and then panic  Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Saoirse, I love you. Dammit, Saoirse.

Saoirse::  Oh Steven, I'm mad.

Steven::  Dammit, Saoirse

Saoirse & Steven::  I love you.



Jax Dynan::  I would like,  ah, if I may, ...to take you on a strange journey (goes for black book & opens book) It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Steven Landon and his fiancée Saoirse O'Riordan, two young, normal, healthy kids, left Bedlama that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Edward Stargazer, ex-tutor, now friend to both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds. Heavy, black, and pendulous, toward which they were driving. It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air, but, uh, they being normal kids, on a night out... well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of their evening, were they? On a night out... It was a night out they were going to remember... for a very long time.


(Richard Nixon speech on the radio)
Nixon::  I have never been a quitter... To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body But as President I must put the interests of America first. America needs a full time president... and a full time congress...


Saoirse::  Gosh, that's the third Limbo Limo that's passes us. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.

Steven::  Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.

Saoirse::  Oh. ...What's the matter, Steven darling?

Steven::  Oooh. We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.

Saoirse::  Oh, but where did those motorcycles come from?

Steven::  Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back. (Boom!)

Saoirse::  Oh! What was that bang?

Steven::  We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go for help.

Saoirse::  But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?

Steven::  ...Didn't we pass a Fortress back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone we could use.

Saoirse::  I'm going with you.

Steven::  Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.

Saoirse::  I'm coming with you! Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman and you might never come back.

Steven::  Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey.

(they get out of the car, Steven kicks the tire)



Over At The Frankenstein Place

Saoirse::  In the velvet darkness, Of the blackest night, Burning bright, there's a
guiding star. No matter what or who you are.

Saoirse & Steven::  There's a light...

Chorus::  Over at the Frankenstein place.

Saoirse & Steven::  There's a light...

Chorus::  Burning in the fireplace.

Saoirse & Steven::  There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.

Saoirse::  I can see the flag fly I can see the rain Just the same, there has got to be
Something better here for you and me.

Saoirse & Steven::  There's a light...

Chorus::  Over at the Frankenstein place.

Saoirse & Steven::  There's a light...

Chorus::  Burning in the fireplace.

Saoirse & Steven::  There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.

Will:: The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming. Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming Into my life. Into my life...

Saoirse & Steven::  There's a light...

Chorus::  Over at the Frankenstein place.

Saoirse & Steven::  There's a light...

Chorus::  Burning in the fireplace. There's a light, a light

Saoirse & Steven:: ...in the darkness of everybody's life



Jax Dynan::  And so,  it seemed that fortune had smiled on Saoirse and Steven and that they had found the assistance that their plight required Or had they?


Saoirse::  Steven, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened...

Steven::  Just a moment Saoirse, they might have a phone.

(Steven rings the doorbell then wraps an arm about Saoirse and waits.)

(Door opens slowly and Will looks out)

Will::   Hello.

Steven::  Hi! My name is Steven Landon, and this is my fiancée, Saoirse O'Riordan. I wonder if you could help us. You see our car broke down a few miles up the road...
do you have a phone we might use?

Will:: You're wet.

Saoirse::  Yes - it's raining.

Steven::  Yes.

Will::  Yes... (lightning strikes, illuminating Limbo Limos.) I think that perhaps you both better come inside.

Saoirse:: You're too kind. (Then enter, Steven shaking off his jacket, Saoirse ruffles the water out of her hair) Oh Steven, I'm frightened. What kind of place is this?

Steven::  Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdoes.

Saoirse::  Oh. (forlornly)

Will::  This way.

Saoirse::   Are you having a party?

Will::  You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the master's affairs.

Saoirse::  Oh, lucky him.

Emily::  You're lucky, He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha ha ha ha (straddling the banister, slides down backwards)

(clock chimes seven times)  (note: the clock reads 6 o'clock)

Will::  It's astounding; Time is fleeting; Madness takes it's toll. But listen closely...

Emily::  Not for very much longer.

Will::  I've got to keep control. I remember doing the time-warp. Drinking those moments when The darkness would hit me

Will & Emily::  And a void would be calling...

Mobsters::  Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

Jax Dynan::  It's just a jump to the left.

All::  And then a step to the right.

Jax Dynan::  With you're hands on you hips.

All::  You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust  That really drives you insane. Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

Emily::  It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me. So you can't see me, no, not at all. In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention, Well secluded, I see all.

Will::  With a bit of a mind flip

Emily::  You're into the time slip.

Will::  And nothing can ever be the same.

Emily::  You're spaced out on sensation.

Will::  Like you're under sedation.

All::  Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

Krys:: Well I was walking down the street just having a think When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook me up, he took me by surprise He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change. Time meant nothing, never would again.

All::  Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

Jax Dynan::  It's just a jump to the left.

All::  And then a step to the right.

Jax Dynan::  With you're hands on you hips.

All::  You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives you insane. Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

(Krysten tap dances)

All::  Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

Jax Dynan::  It's just a jump to the left.

All::  And then a step to the right.

Jax Dynan::  With you're hands on you hips.

All::  You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives you insane. Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.


Saoirse::  Steven, say something. (whispered)

Steven::  Say, do any of you guys know how to Mon*Star Mash?

Saoirse::  Steven, please, let's get out of here.

Steven ::  For God's sake keep a grip on yourself.

(music cue softly at first, crescendo up)

Saoirse::  But it... it seems so unhealthy here.

Steven::  It's just a party, Saoirse.

Saoirse::  Well -- I want to go.

Steven::  Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

Saoirse::  Well then ask the butler or someone.

Steven :: Just a moment, Saoirse -- we don't want to interfere with their celebration.

Saoirse::  This isn't the Junior United Earth Space Command, Steven.

Steven::  They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more folk dancing.

Saoirse:: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared

Steven::  I'm here -- there's nothing to worry about.

(Saoirse screams and faints)

Jon::  How do you do, I See you've met my Faithful handyman. He's just a little brought down Because when you knocked He thought you were the candyman. Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a book be its cover. I'm not much of a man by the light of day But by night I'm one hell of a lover. (throws off cape) I'm a just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania. Let me show you around Maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both pretty groovy. Or if you want something visual That's not too abysmal, We could take in an old Steve Reeves Movie

Steven:: (Following Jon) I'm glad we caught you at home, Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Saoirse::  Right.

Steven::  We'll just say where we are, Then go back to the car. We don't want to be any worry

Jon:: Well you got caught with a flat, well, how 'bout that? Well, babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night it'll all seem all right. I'll get you a satanic mechanic. I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania. Why don't you stay for the night?

(Struts up to the thrown and sits)

Will::  Night.

Jon::  Or maybe a bite?

Krysten::  Bite.

Jon::  I could show you my favorite obsession. I've been making a woman With black hair and a tan And she's good for relieving my ... tension. I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania.  HIT IT, HIT IT! I'm just a sweet transvestite

Krysten, Will, Emily::   Sweet transvestite

Jon::  From Transsexual,

Jon, Krysten, Will, Emily::   Transylvania.

Jon::  So, Come up to the lab, And see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici - pation. But maybe the rain Isn't really to blame. So I'll remove the cause (Chuckles) But not the symptom.

(applause)

(Steven and Saoirse are given towels)

Saoirse::  Thank you.

Steven::  Thank you very much.

(Krysten and Will start to undress Saoirse and Steven)

Saoirse::  Oh!  Steven!

Steven::  It's all right Saoirse. We'll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right.

Krysten::  Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush.

Steven::  Hi, my name is Steven Landon , and this is my fiancée, Saoirse O’Riordan You are...

Krysten::  You're very lucky to be invited to Jon's laboratory. Some people would give their left eye for the privilege.

Steven::  People like you maybe?

Krysten::  Ha! I've seen it.

(Will pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the bottle, and lets it drop after Krysten says "Shift it!")

Will::  Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.

Emily::  Shift it.

(Will drops the bottle)

(Saoirse screeches - the elevator goes up)

Saoirse::  (To Krysten) Is he - Jon, I mean - your husband?

Will::  The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever shall be. We are simply his servants.

Saoirse::  Oh.

(Elevator stops on the Laboratory level, As the doors open, Jon is standing there in a green medical gown.)

Jon::  Emily, Krysten go assist Will I will entertain...uh huh huh... (chuckle)

Steven::  Steven Landon. And this is my fiancée, Saoirse O’Ride-on

Saoirse::  O’Riordan

Steven::  O’Riordan? um

Jon:: Enchante.

(Saoirse giggles)

Jon::  Well! How nice And what charming underclothes you both have. But here. Put these (smocks) on. They'll make you feel less vulnerable It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality

Steven::  Hospitality?! All we asked was to use your telephone, Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.

Saoirse::  Steven, don't be ungrateful.

Steven::  Ungrateful! 

Jon::  How forceful you are, Steven. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So...
dominant (crowd has a flurry of laughs). You must be awfully proud of him, Saoirse.

Saoirse::  Well, yes I am. (glares)

Jon::  Do you have tattoos, Steven? 

Steven::  Certainly not!

Jon::  Oh well, how about you? (to Saoirse)

Saoirse::  No. (giggling)

Will::  Everything is in readiness, master We merely await your (pause) word.

(Jon spills wine on Will)

Jon::  Tonight, my unconventional Mobsters... you are to witness a new breakthrough
in biochemical research... and paradise is to be mine... It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you get a break... whole pieces start to fit into place, not a sign of being... what a fool! The answer was there all the time it took a small accident to make it happen... AN ACCIDENT!

Emily & Krysten::   An accident!

Jon::  And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient that spark that is the breath of life...Yes, I have that knowledge... I hold the secret... to life... itself! You see...
you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be born!
(directs Emily & Krysten to remove the red cloth cover) Up now! (Directing Will) Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator... and step up the reactor power three more points!

(Will kneeling, turning a crank)

Saoirse::  Oh Steven!

Steven::  It's all right Saoirse.

(Jon starts to open the spouts colorful fluids, etc. in the order Red, Orange, Yellow,
Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet)

(Aurora emits some guttural garbage as she stands up)

(Emily reaches over and removes the bandages from Aurora’s head)

Jon::  Oh! Aurora!


The Sword of Damocles

Aurora::  The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head, And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be cutting the thread. Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery. Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed

All::  That ain't no crime.

Aurora::  And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnamable dread.

All::  That ain't no crime.

Aurora::  My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go. And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.

All::  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Aurora::  Oh ho no no

All::  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Aurora::  Oh ho no no

All::  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Aurora::  Oh ho no no The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.

All::  That ain't no crime.

Aurora::  And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be cutting the thread.

All::  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Aurora::  Oh no no no

All::  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Aurora::  Oh no no no

All::  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Aurora::  Oh no no no

All::  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la.


Jon::  Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out.

Aurora::  Ugh Ugh  (forlornly like a puppy dog)

Jon::  But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to forgive you.

Aurora::  Ugh Ugh  (applause) (Aurora bangs his bars)

Jon::  Oh, I just love success.

Will::  She's a credit to your genius, master.

Jon::  Yes.

Emily::  A triumph of your will.

Jon::  Yes.

Krysten::  She's O.K.

Jon::  O.K. (hits tank) O.K.! I think we can do better than that. Humph! Well, Saoirse and Steven, what do you think of him?

Steven::  Well, I don't generally like women in gold lame…

Jon::  I didn't make her... for you! She carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.


I Can Make You a Woman

Jon::  A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds Will get sand in her face When kicked to the ground;

Aurora::  Ugh... Ugh...

Jon::  And soon in the gym with a determined chin, The sweat from her pores as she works for her cause Will make her glisten and gleam. And with massage, and just a little bit of  steam, She'll be pink and quite clean, She'll be a strong girl. Oh honey...

All::  But the wrong Woman.

Jon::  She'll eat nutritious high protein And swallow raw eggs...Try to build up her shoulders, her bust, arms, and...legs Such an effort if she only knew of my plan. In just seven days...

Jon & Transylvanians::  I can make you a woman.

Jon::  She'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk She thinks dynamic tension must be hard work. Such strenuous living I just don't understand, When in just seven days... I can make you a woman.

(Beep Beep Beep)

Jon::  Ah... ooh!

Krysten::  MICHAEL!


Hot Patootie (Bless My Soul)

Mike:  Whatever happened to Saturday night, When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right? It don't seem the same since cosmic light Came into my life, I thought I was divine.
I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go, And listen to the music on the radio; A guitar was playing on a rock 'n roll show. You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.

(Guitar solo)

Transylvanian::  Lovely party

Mike:: My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled. My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt. I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine. Get back in front, put some hair oil on Buddy Holly was singing his very last song. With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along. It felt pretty good. Woo you really had a good time. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. (for a total of twelve times)


(Jon attacks Eddie with an alpinist's pick)

Jon::  One from the vaults. (chuckles)

Aurora::  Ugh...

Jon::  (opens door) Oh Baby... Don't be upset... It was a mercy killing... he had a certain naive charm, but no muscle (Aurora flexes a bicep) ...Oh!


I Can Make You a Woman (Reprise)

Jon::  But a deltoid and a bicep. A hot groin and a tricep. Makes me, oooh, shake, Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the ...ha-ha-hand.

Jon & Transylvanians::  In just seven days I can make you a woman.

Jon::  I don't want no distention, Just dynamic tension.

Steven:  I'm a Beauty fan.

Jon::  In just seven days, I can make you a woman. Dig it if you can In just seven days, I can make you a woman.

(Jon and Aurora's wedding march)

Transylvanians::  Jon and Aurora, rah-rah-rah! Jon and Aurora, rah-rah-rah! Jon and Aurora, rah-rah-rah! Jon and Aurora, rah-rah-rah!

(Aurora jumps into Jon’s arms)


Jax Dynan::  There are some who say that life is an illusion  and reality is but a figment of the imagination. If this is so, then Saoirse and Steven are quite safe. ...however, the sudden departure of their host... and his creation... into the seclusion of his somber bridal
suite and left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms.


(Steven and Saoirse are shown to their separate rooms by Will and Emily)

(Steven enters room Look around disgusted and sits down)

(Saoirse enters room, looks around and also sits down)


(knock)

(howling)

Steven::  Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?

Jon (Saoirse)::  It's only me, Steven.

Steven::  Oh, Saoirse darling, come in. Oh! Saoirse, Oh Saoirse. Yes, my darling... but what if...

Jon (Saoirse)::  It's all right, Steven, everything's going to be all right.

Steven:: Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh... Ah... ahh OHHH! Oh, it's you!

Jon:: I'm afraid so, Steven, but isn't it nice...

Steven::  Oh, you bastard, you monster... Oh what have you done with Saoirse?

Jon::  Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you thing I should?

Steven::  You tricked... I wouldn't have... I've never... never...

Jon::  Yes, yes, I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? I think you really found it quite
pleasurable.

Steven::  Oh, stop... I mean help... Saoirse Saoirse!... Oh Saoirse!!

Jon::  Shhh. Saoirse's probably asleep by now. Do you want her to see you like... This!

Steven::  Like this like how?! Oh, it's your fault... you're to blame... Oh... I was saving myself...

Jon::  Yes, but I'm sure your not spent yet...

Steven::  Promise you won't tell Saoirse?

Jon::  Cross my heart and hope to die...

(assorted sexual noises)


(Scene with Will and Emily, Emily with a mop)

(Will walks over to Aurora, grabs the candelabra & Threatens Aurora with the lit candles)

 (Aurora runs away Aurora climbs down the elevator shaft

(Will throws candle)

(Will and Em hug then head off somewhere)

Jon (Steven)::  Oh, Saoirse darling, it's no good here. It'll destroy us.

Saoirse::  Don't worry Steven, we'll be away from here in the morning.

Jon (Steven)::  Oh, Saoirse you're so sweet and kind

Saoirse:: Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!

Jon::  I'm afraid so, Saoirse, but isn't it nice...

Saoirse::  Why YOU! What have you done with Steven?

Jon::  Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Saoirse::  You tricked me, I wouldn't have... never never... never...

Jon::  Oh yes yes, I know... but it isn't all bad, is it? Not even half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it.

(Saoirse starts moaning)

Jon::  Oh... so soft...

Saoirse::  Stop it... stop it... oh Steven... STEVEN!

Jon::  Steven's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like THIS?

(Saoirse sits up and yells)

Saoirse::  Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought it was the real thing!

Jon::  Oh come on, Saoirse, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? It isn't a crime to give yourself over the pleasure, Saoirse. We've wasted so much time already... Steven needn't know, I won't tell him...

Saoirse::  Well, promise you won't tell...

Jon::  On my mother's graoouuuuu...

(Beep Beep Beep...)

Will::  Master, Aurora has broken her chains and vanished. Your new playmate is loose and somewhere on the Fortress grounds... Emily has just released the dogs...

Jon::  Mmmm? Coming!


Janet::  What's happening here? Where's Saoirse? Where's ANYbody?  (Aurora is running outside chased by dogs) Oh, Saoirse. Saoirse, my darling, how could I have done this to you? Oh! If only we hadn't made this journey... if only the car hadn't broken down... if only we were amongst friends... Or sane persons, Oh Saoirse, Oh Saoirse, what have they done with her... (She goes over and flips on the remote. sees her on TV with Jon) Oh, Saoirse, Oh Saoirse -- How could you?

(Aurora emits moans and general cries of pain)

(Steven goes over and pulls the sheet back)

(Aurora gets up)

Steven::  Oh, but you are hurt... Did they do this to you? I'll dress your wounds... baby there... (rip his boxers and dresses Aurora's wound) let me make it all better.


Jax Dynan::  Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind... Vehement or excited mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master... and from what Emily and Krysten eagerly viewed on the television monitor there seemed little doubt that Steven was, indeed, ...its slave.

Emily & Krysten::  Tell us about it, Steven.


Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me

Steven::  I was feeling done in, couldn't win. I'd only ever kissed before. 

Krysten::  You mean he...

Emily::  No way

Steven::  I though there's no use getting Into heavy petting. It only leads to trouble
And Pants wetting Now all I want to know is how to go. I've tasted blood and I want more.

Emily & Krysten:: More, more, more.

Steven::  I'll put up no resistance I want to stay the distance I've got an itch to scratch I need assistance. Toucha toucha toucha touch me! I want to be dirty. Thrill me chill me fulfill me! Creature of the night. Then if anything grows while you pose, I'll oil you up and rub you down.

Emily & Krysten:: Down, down, down.

Steven::  And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction You need a friendly hand and I need action. Toucha toucha toucha touch me! I want to be dirty. Thrill me chill me fulfill me! Creature of the night.

Krysten::  Toucha toucha toucha touch me!

Emily::  I want to be dirty.

Krysten::  Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me!

Emily::  Creature of the night.

Steven::  Toucha toucha toucha touch me! I want to be dirty. Thrill me chill me fulfill me! Creature of the night.

Aurora::  Creature of the night.

Saoirse::  Creature of the night?

Jon::  Creature of the night.

Emily::  Creature of the night.

Will::  Creature of the night.

Krysten::  Creature of the night.

Aurora::  Creature of the night.

Steven::  Creature of the night.

(scene change, Will being whipped)

Will::  Owwwwwwwww! Mercy! (Being whipped by Jon)

Jon::  How did it happen? I understand you were to be watching...

Will::  I was only away for a minute... master

Jon::  Well, see if you can find him on a monitor.

Will::  Master, master... we have a visitor.

Saoirse::  Hey, old Man! Commander Edward Stargazer

Will::  You know this earthling ... this person?

Saoirse:::  Why yes. He happens to be an old friend of mine.

Jon::  I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose.

Saoirse::  I told you, our car broke down. I was telling the truth.

Jon::  I know what you told me, Saoirse... (poking Saoirse with the whip handle) But this Dr. Edward Stargazer, his name is not unknown to me.

Saoirse::  He was the Commander at Hawk Haven.

Jon::  And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Saoirse? He's attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call UFO's!!! Isn't that right, Saoirse?

Saoirse::  He might be... I don't know.

Will::  The intruder is entering the building, master.

Jon::  He'll probably be... entering Zan’ room. Shall we inquire of him in person?

(Jon throws a lever activating the electromagnet)

(in Zan’s Room, Cmdr. Stargazer grunts and grabs the wheelchair arm as he gets pulled along, through various rooms until he crashes though the wall)

 (Pause)

Saoirse::  Great Galactic Ghost!

(and down the ramp, only to stop right in front of Jon)

Cmdr. Stargazer::  Jon Greyer we meet at last.

Saoirse::  Cmdr. Stargazer!

Cmdr. Stargazer::  Saoirse! What are you doing here?

Jon::  Don't play games, Cmdr. Stargazer. You know perfectly well what Saoirse O’Riordan is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That her and her male friend could check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans are to be changed. You must be adaptable, Cmdr. Stargazer

Cmdr. Stargazer::  I can assure you that Saoirse's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Michael

Saoirse::  Michael! I've seen him!

Jon::  Michael! What do you know of Michael, Cmdr. Stargazer?

Cmdr. Stargazer::  I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see, Michael happens to be my pilot.

(Jon gasps and releases the magnet. Cmdr. Stargazer rolls back a couple feet)

(Janet orgasms)

(Jon storms over and yanks the sheet back)

Saoirse::  Cmdr. Stargazer.

Steven::  Ah!

Cmdr. Stargazer::  Steven!

Steven::  Cmdr. Stargazer!

Saoirse::  Steven!

Steven::  Saoirse!

Jon:: Aurora!

(Aurora flips her head toward Jon)

Cmdr. Stargazer::  Steven!

Steven:: Cmdr. Stargazer!

Saoirse::  Steven!

Steven::  Saoirse!

Jon::  Aurora!

(Aurora looks at Jon with quickly lessening interest)

Cmdr. Stargazer:: Steven!

Steven::  Cmdr. Stargazer!

Saoirse:: Steven!

Steven::  Saoirse!

Jon  Aurora!

(Aurora once again gleams at Jon, getting very upset)

Jon::  Listen... I made you... and I can break you just as easily. (to Aurora)

Emily::  (Rings gong) Master, dinner is prepared!

Jon::  Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.


Jax Dynan::  Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. The breaking of bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and now... this meal. However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there was to be little bonhomie.


(Will and Emily wheel in a cart, Will opens the lid, then places a large piece of meat in front of Jon)

(Jon carves the meat)

(and Will serves it to the others)

(Will pours and spills wine)

Jon::  A toast ...to absent friends...

All::  To absent friends.

Jon::  And to Aurora. (starts a verse of staccato "Happy Birthday Aurora" and cuts it off after "Dear Aurora." Steven continues until he realizes he is the only one left singing.) Shall we?


Cmdr. Stargazer::  We came here to discuss Michael.

Krysten::  Michael! (Jon threatens her with the slicer)

Jon::  That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone?

Krysten::  Excuse me. (Exits room, closes door behind her, and screams)

Cmdr. Stargazer::  (to camera) I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but is was worst than I imagined... Cross-dressers!

Aurora::  Ugh?

Saoirse::  Commander Stargazer!

Jon::  Go on, Cmdr. Stargazer. Or should I say Mistress Stargazer!

Saoirse::  Just what exactly are you implying?

Cmdr. Stargazer::  It's all right!

Saoirse::  Commander Stargazer!

Cmdr. Stargazer::  It's all right, Saoirse


Eddie

Cmdr. Stargazer::  From the day he was born He was trouble. He was the thorn In his mother's side. She tried in vain...

Jax Dynan::  ...but he never caused her nothing but shame.

Cmdr. Stargazer::  He left home the day she died. From the she was gone All he wanted
Was Rock-n-Roll porn And a motorbike Shooting up junk...

Jax Dynan::  He was a low down cheap little punk!

Stargazer::  Taking everyone for a ride.

All::  When Mikey said he didn't like his Teddy You knew he was a no-good kid. But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Jon::  What a guy!

Steven::  Makes you cry.

Cmdr. Stargazer::  Und I did.

Krysten::  Everybody shoved him. I very nearly loved him. I said, hey, listen to me;
Stay sane inside insanity! But he locked the door and threw away the key.

Cmdr. Stargazer::  But he must have been drawn Into something,  Making him warn Me in a note that reads...

All::  What's it say? What's it say?

Michael's voice::  I'm out of my head. Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. They mustn't carry out their evil deed.  (scream)

All::  When Mikey said he didn't like his Teddy You knew he was a no-good kid. But when he threatened you life with a switch-blade knife

Jon::  What a guy!

Steven::  Makes you cry.

Cmdr. Stargazer::  Und I did.

All::  When Mikey said he didn't like his Teddy You knew he was a no-good kid. But when he threatened you life with a switch-blade knife

Jon::  What a guy!

All::  Oh-oh-oh...

Steven::  Makes you cry.

All::  Hey, hey, hey...

Cmdr. Stargazer::  Und I did.

(Jon pulls the tablecloth off of the table and the slaughtered remains of Michael are seen
under the glass surface)

(All scream)

Jon::  Aurora! How could you? (slaps Aurora)

Cmdr. Stargazer::  (To Saoirse, who's guiding his wheelchair) This way, this way.

(General mayhem as Jon chases Aurora.  Will and Emily laugh)

Will:: Shut up!

(More general mayhem as everyone chases everyone else around in total confusion till they all somehow arrive at the lab. Saoirse, Steven & Stargazer all get stuck to the platform somehow, don’t ask it’s a movie)

Steven::  My feet! I can't move my feet!

Cmdr. Stargazer::  My wheels! My God, I can't move my wheels!

Saoirse::  It's as if we're glued to the spot!

Jon::  You are!  So quake with fear, you tiny fools!

Janet::  We're trapped!

Jon::  (sung) It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind fuck can be nice.

(Will, Emily, Krysten & Steven come though the hole in the wall to watch)

Cmdr. Stargazer::  You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer... it is I suppose, some kind of audio-vibratory physio-molecular transport device?

Saoirse::  You mean...

Cmdr. Stargazer::  Yes, Saoirse, it's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it.
A device capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and,
who knows, perhaps even time itself.

Steven::  You mean he's going to send us to another planet?

Jon::  Planet, schmanet, Steven! You better wise up...

Jax Dynan::  And then he lashed out...

Steven::  Stop!

(Jon stumbles back barely avoiding the punch)

(Emily throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and Turns them all to stone)

Krysten::  My God! I can't stand any more of this! First you spurn me for Michael, and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Aurora! You chew people up and then you spit them out again...  I loved you... d'ya hear me! I loved you And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you -- a big nothing. You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough! You're gonna choose between me and Aurora, so named because of the light coming out of her eyes.

 (Emily throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and Krysten turns to stone)

Jon::  It's not easy having a good time... (Glances at Aurora who’s drooling over Steven Emily throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and Aurora turns to stone) Even smiling makes my face ache... and my lovers turn on me... Aurora's behaving just the way Michael did. Do you think I made a mistake, in Not splitting his brain between the two on them?

(Emily walked over to where Jon is. Will follows)

Emily::  Ahhh! I grow weary of this world! When shall we return to Transylvania, huh?

(As Jon speaks the next line and Emily's head starts turning towards Will)

Jon  Emily, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Will. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when
the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.

Emily::  I ask for nothing... nothing.

Jon  And you shall receive it... in abundance! Come, we are ready for the floor show.

(After Jon leaves Will and Emily look at each other then look over all the statues and shrugs. They have better things (or persons) to do….. Namely Zan!)


Jax Dynan::  And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Saoirse and Steven should keep that appointment with their friend, Commander Edward Stargazer. But it was to be in a situation which none of them could have possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Saoirse and Janet had both tasted... forbidden fruit. This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals... and some persuasion. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that had been spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had seized Jon's crazed imagination? What indeed?
From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be... no picnic.



Rose Tint My World

A. Floor Show

(Jon goes through adding touch ups to makeup and costumes)


(Unfreeze - Krysten)

Krysten::  It was great when it all began. I was a regular Jonny fan. But it was over when he had the plan To start a-working on a Dream woman. Now the only thing that gives me hope Is my love of a certain dope. Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.


(Unfreeze - Aurora)

Aurora::  I'm just seven hours old, And truly beautiful to behold. And somebody should be told My libido hasn't been controlled. Now the only thing I've come to trust Is an orgasmic rush of lust. Rose tint my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.


(Unfreeze - Saoirse)

Saoirse::  It's beyond me;  Help me Daddy! I'll be good; you'll see, Take this dream  away. What's this? Let's see, I feel sexy!  What's come over me?  Woo! Here it comes again.

(Unfreeze - Steven)

Steven::  I feel released; Bad times deceased. My experience has increased; reality is here The team has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded. It's a shame that Jonny’s landed! His lust is so insincere. (Steven kisses the air)


B. Fanfare / Don't Dream It

(Fanfare, the curtains rise up to reveal Jon, slowly walks down the steps as he sings)

Jon::  Whatever happened to Fay Wray? That delicate, satin-draped frame? As it clung
to her thigh How I started to cry 'Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. (kicks a lever another section of stairs flips out, keeps singing) Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh. Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.

(Jon jumps into pool, fog clears, and he is floating in a life-ring labeled USS Titanic)


Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it.

(Saoirse, Janet, Aurora and Krysten jump into the four corners of the pool. Krysten hits the water last)

All::  Don't dream it, be it Don't dream it, be it Don't dream it, be it Don't dream it, be it Don't dream it, be it Don't dream it, be it  (On sixth line, De-Medusa handle falls,
and Cmdr. Stargazer is unfrozen) Don't dream it, be it Don't dream it, be it

Cmdr. Stargazer::  Ach! We've got to get out of this trap before this decadence saps our wills. I've got to be strong, and try to hang on, or else my mind may well snap and my life will be lived... for the thrills!

Saoirse::  It's beyond me; help me Daddy!

Steven::  God Bless Lilly St. Cyr.


C. Wild And An Untamed Thing

Jon::  My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my I'm a wild and an untamed thing. I'm a bee with a deadly sting. You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone. Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

All:: We're a wild and an untamed thing. We're a bee with a deadly sting. You get a hit and your mind goes ping. Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone. Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain. We're a wild and an untamed thing. We're a bee with a deadly sting. You get a hit and your mind goes ping. Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone, gone, gone. Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

(Will and Emily enter from the rear door in silver space-outfits)


Will:  Jonathan Greyer, it's all over. Your mission is a failure; Your lifestyle's too extreme. I'm your new commander; You now are my prisoner. We return to Transylvania. Prepare the transit beam.

(Emily turns to do what ever it was she was suppose to do)

Jon::  Wait! I can explain! (Jon goes and speaks to Krysten, who goes and turns on
the spotlight; and to Aurora who goes and turns on the stage lights)


I'm Going Home

Jon::  On the day I went away...

All::  Good-bye...

Jon::  Was all I had to say...

All::  Now I...

Jon  I want to come again, and stay.

All::  Oh, my, my...

Jon::  Smile, and that will mean I may. 'cause I've seen, oh,  blue skies Through the tears
in my eyes (Emily yawns with disinterest) And I realize, I'm going home.

All::  I'm going home.

(Emily yawns)

Jon:: Everywhere it's been the same...

All::  ...feeling...

Jon::  ...like I'm outside in the rain...

All::  ...wheeling...

Jon::  ...free to try and find a game...

All::  ...dealing...

Jon::  ...cards for sorrow, cards for pain. 'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realize, I'm going home. (Stands and walks down the isle, a phantom crowd appears)

Jon & All::   I'm going home. I’m going home, I’m going home

(applause, then crowd disappear)

Emily::  How sentimental.

(Jon turns around and sees the house empty)

Will::  And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said we were to return to Transylvania, I referred only to my sister and myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to remain here; in spirit, anyway.

Cmdr. Stargazer::  Great Galactic Ghost! That's a laser!

Will::  Yes, Cmdr. Stargazer. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-mater.

Saoirse::  You mean... you're going to kill him? What's his crime?

Cmdr. Stargazer::  You saw what became of Michael. Society must be protected.

Will::  Exactly, Cmdr. Stargazer. And now, Jon Greyer, your time has come.
Say good-bye to all of this, and hello to oblivion.


(Before anything else can happen a figure steps out of the shadows)

Zan: HOLD Everything.

(Everything comes to a screeching halt, everyone looks confused.)

Zan: Alright since this is MY bootleg copy of the movie things are going to happen the way I say they will. And first off No one’s gonna die.

(Grumbles from a coupe of people)

Krysten: If that’s so then how come Mike is dead already?.

Zan: never trust your eyes when the Mob has been about. Mike, Mo Come on out.

(Michael and the figure that was under the glass table for the dinner scene walk out from the shadows, Several people gagging can be heard. Then Molecular shifts to his normal form)

Zan:: Thanks Mo, the extra pay is in your account already.

Mo:: Been a pleasure doing business with you Phantom. (walks away and is gone)

Zan:: Now, back to the business at hand. Michael, Krysten. (Both look up and step forward as Zan motions them over)  Here you two go. The deed to a 1000 acre spread on New Eden, the ranch house is already built. Sorry no truck but you do have horses there already. Your ride is waiting. Oh, here’s your bank cards. Have fun kids, enjoy the honeymoon. Shoo! (shoos them away)

Aurora:: Could we please hurry this up, I’m cold in this outfit! And my makeup is running.

Steven:: I’m sure I could warm you up.

(everyone rolls eyes)

Zan:: Just for that I should Make you wait. But I don’t feel like listening to you whine and Steven trying every tacky pick up line there is. You two, off you go. You already got stuff with Fairy-boy there so I’m not giving you anything.

(Steven and Aurora look at each other and are out the door in a flash, Him chasing her with a leering grin)

Jon:: … Umm What’s going to happen to the rest of us?

Will & Emily:: Yeah.

Zan:: Well Jon, do you enjoy Saoirse’s company?

Jon:: Yes.

Zan:: Saoirse, do you enjoy Jon’s

Saoirse:: well, yeah, I do.

Zan:: Good. Off you two go. Have fun, enjoy your selves, stay out of trouble…. Oh, and Jon. The outfit looks good on you, but try a different color next time.

(Jon groans, Saoirse giggles and everyone else just rolls their eyes with a groan)

Stargazer:: What about me, Hhmm? Am I gonna be stuck here or what?

Zan:: Sorry old man, your just a hologram. You’ve been dead for a while. (pulls out a remote aims it at the ceiling and presses a button. Stargazer vanishes leaving behind an empty remote controlled Wheelchair)

Hardware:: (From the Balcony) Need me anymore?

Zan:: Nope, thanks, payment’s in your account.

Hardware:: I’m outa here!

Emily: what about us? What’s going to happen now.

Will:: (Scratching the back of his head) Yeah. Like to know that.

Zan:: Well, Unless either of you mind, I was hoping to get together with the two of you. (Crosses arms and waits as the twins confer with each other)

Emily:: We’re in. Not like much is going to be said, what with how twisted this show was up till now.

Will:: Umm hmm… and I want to get out of this outfit, I’m getting chafed.

Zan:: (a sly grin) I think I can take care of that. The pool’s still open. (Aims the remote at the ‘Camera’ and presses a button)

(All goes black, music stars and the credits roll)

The End!

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