Human Faith
Human Faith
By
Lady MoonHawke
Love is like a barren place,
and reaching out for human faith
is like a journey I just don't have the map for.
To the Moon and Back - Savage Garden
Krysten huddled in the back seat of the car and stared up at the moon as it cast cold light across the subtle features of the desert. Reality seemed to slip further and further away as the car raced along the black road, illuminated only by the light of the car's headlights. At this hour, there were no other cars, and this road was so minor that the big semis didn't bother with it at night.
Up ahead, she could see a cluster of lights and tore her eyes away. She was not quick enough, however, to avoid seeing the twisted metal of a once familiar car, or the flashing red, blue and yellow of police cars and a wrecker.
Robert Barter stared straight ahead as they passed the wreck, not varying speed, and trying to ignore the beckoning of the lights to see what remained of his elder son's car. It would be hard enough to see what remained of his son.
His wife, Apylonia, called Loni, could only stare in shocked silence as they moved past. She alone saw the car hoisted and dragged onto the bed of a wrecker, and she stifled a sob as the mangled driver's door fell off. The image was engraved in her mind; men in uniforms walking casually around, playing the beams from the flashlights across the ground, searching for Lord only knew what.
They continued on in silence, until Krysten spoke up bravely.
“Tell me again what they said, Daddy.”
He continued to stare straight forward. “He was in an accident, and it's very serious. They won't be able to tell us anything more until they can get a better assessment of the damage.” He kept the last part to himself, that the emergency room team could smell the alcohol on him. No one else needed to know that right now.
Alcohol. Robert's stomach writhed again. He'd told him and told him, don't mix drinking and driving; that it was a deadly combination. And now it seemed that DeKayne might find that out first-hand.
The lights of the city sparkled into view, and soon they were pulling up to the hospital's ER entrance. Krysten jumped out before the car had stopped and was racing to the door. By the time her parents were inside, she was darting up the stairs, not bothering to wait for an elevator. They caught up with her on the surgical floor, pacing near the door to the surgical suite, and perched nervously on chairs until someone could explain what was happening.
A lifetime later, it seemed, a surgeon came out and approached them.
“Mr. and Mrs. Barter?” he asked tiredly.
“Robert,” said Krysten's father, rising and offering his hand. “And Loni, and Krysten, DeKayne's sister.”
“James Hickes,” the doctor returned. He nodded to Apylonia and Krysten. “I won't lie to you, Robert. He's a very sick young man. He came in with a lot of serious injuries, and we've done our best to repair them, but right now, it's 50-50 for him to live.” He paused to allow them to take in the shock.
Krysten pushed the shock and fear aside. “Can I see him?” she asked.
Dr. Hickes frowned. “He's in recovery right now, and still unconscious. From there he'll move into the surgical ICU, and you'll have to scrub and wear a gown to go in. And he's not pretty at the moment. You might want to keep some better memories than that if things go badly.”
Krysten gritted her teeth and lifted her jaw. “Please, doctor, I want to see my brother,” she said, soft but insistent.
Dr. Hickes waved a nurse over. “Take Miss Barter to see her brother, please, Jean. He's in recovery.”
Krysten flashed him a grateful smile and hugged her parents, then left.
“Now,” she could hear Dr. Hickes continue, “let me explain the surgery...”
The recovery room was dim and quiet, with monitors chirping faintly in the screened off area. She settled into the wood and vinyl chair next to DeKayne's bed and gingerly lifted his hand from the sheets. Bandages covered much of his body, and there were small cuts on his face and hands. His head was wrapped in bandages as well, and something about his legs didn't look right.
A nurse came in as she sat and began transferring numbers from the monitor to the chart she was holding, deftly taking his temperature and blood pressure as well. She looked at Krysten with sympathy.
“You can stay as long as he's asleep, but as soon as he wakes up, you'll have to go. You his sweetheart?”
Krys shook her head slightly. “He's my brother. His name's DeKayne,” she said, slightly groggy.
“Well, DeKayne has had a bad night, and he needs to rest as much as possible to get better. There are soda and coffee machines in the visitor's lounge, and the cafeteria is in the basement. It's not serving hot meals now, but you can get something from the vending machine.” She was silent a moment. “He looks strong. He might make it.” She moved on quietly.
“He'll make it,” whispered Krysten. “He has to make it.”
Morning found Krysten curled on a sofa in the lounge, trying to rest and failing miserably. A whispered conference was taking place across the room, and she rose sluggishly to join it.
“What're you talking about?” she asked groggily.
“DeKayne's condition,” her mother replied briefly, then returned her attention to the doctor.
“I do think at this point it is a real consideration,” he was saying.
“What is?” Krysten asked.
“Kayney's real sick, Baby. The doctor thinks it might be kinder to him to turn the machines off and let him go,” her father said gently.
Horror filled Krysten's eyes. “No! You can't give up. Kay is going to make it, but you have to believe it. You have to want it.”
Loni smiled gently. “I know you think it's so, honey, but-
Krysten shook her head. “I have faith. Faith in God. Faith that prayers will pull him through, and faith that everything will be fine. Isn't that what you always told me? That God will answer my prayers if I have enough faith? Well, I have enough faith for all of you, and I'm going to put it to work.” She brushed past them out of the room, heading for the SICU.
The doctor stared after her, along with her parents. “It might take a little more than faith,” he commented.
There was a new light in the Barters' eyes. “That may be true, but she's right about putting her faith to work, and I'm going to do the same.” He turned to his wife. “Will you start the phone tree? I'm going to call Pastor Williams and see if he can come by. I'm going to see that there is more faith put into DeKayne's healing than it would take to move Mt. Everest.”
The afternoon saw a multitude of parishioners in the visitor's lounge. Some stopped only for a moment to offer their support, and others came to stay and lend help and hope, getting food and drinks for the family, who stayed close, hoping for word. They prayed every hour, thanking God for the time they had been given, and asking, pleading, for another, for some small sign of improvement. DeKayne did rally, much to everyone's excitement and joy, although doctors called it coincidence. They allowed Robert, Loni, Krysten and Karyn to go in, if only for a few minutes.
DeKayne was pale, and now both legs were restrained in plaster casts and slightly elevated. He grinned slightly when he saw them. “Guess I look pretty bad,” he laughed, then winced in pain.
Krysten rushed to his side and took his hand. “Is it too awful?”
He shook his head very slightly, then winced again. “Only when I do something stupid, like move.” He looked at his parents. “The doc says it's still too soon to tell.”
Apylonia took his other hand, carefully mindful of the IV lead keeping him hydrated. “Everyone's praying for you, Kayney. We all have faith....”
He smiled grimly, trying to control the pain. “I hope it works,” he murmured.
“You have to believe, DeKayne,” Krys said, hope shining in her eyes. “You have to have faith, too. We can't do it alone. You have to believe that God will heal you.”
“I hope for your sake He does, kiddo. You deserve a break.” He looked over her head at Karyn. “Hey, Kare-bear. How about you take Krissie for some ice cream? I need to talk to Mom and Dad.” He saw in her eyes that she understood.
“Sure thing, D.K. You just concentrate on getting well, all right?” Karyn said.
“Will do,” he answered. Karyn took Krys out after she pecked DeKayne on the cheek, then he let down the confident facade. The pain etched lines into his young face, aging it prematurely. “It hurts,” he whispered.
Robert came forward to take the place Krysten had left. “I know, son. Try to hang in there. It'll get better. You've got to believe-”
“I don't know if I can. Sometimes it hurts so bad, and all I want to do is get away from the pain.” He grimaced again.
Loni stroked the pale cheek. “Don't quit now. You've got too much here to leave; your family, all your friends, Jenna-”
“Jenna,” he repeated woodenly. “Jenna was with me. She got drunk at a party and I was driving her home. I didn't know she had the beer in the car until offered it to me. Dad, I swear I didn't drink any, but when we crashed, it just went all over everything.” He paused for a moment to rest. “Is Jenna okay?” he asked finally.
His mother nodded. “Just scrapes and bruises. She's with the others. praying for you. You have to fight, DeKayne. You can't give up.”
“What happened, DeKayne? Was there something one the road? Did the car act funny?” Robert asked.
“I-” he looked at his mother. “Mom, could I talk to Dad alone for a minute?”
Loni looked uncertain, but at a nod from her husband, she acquiesced.
“Go ahead, son,” Robert said when she was out of the room.
“I was driving Jenna home because she was drunk. Really drunk, Dad. She started to touch me, and I told her to knock it off. Then she stuck her hand into my pants and, well, grabbed me, and I jerked the wheel and the car went off the side and into the culvert. It all happened so fast...”
Robert squeezed his hand gently. “Don't worry about it, son. Nothing is so bad that it can't be fixed. Just get well.” He stayed near-by as DeKayne drifted back to sleep.
Krysten pulled her elbow from Karyn's grasp as soon as the were out in the hall. “I'm not a child,” she snapped. “An ice-cream isn't going to make it all better.”
Karyn caught her arm again. “It would help everyone if you didn't act like a child, then. DeKayne is dying, and you had better accept it.”
She pulled free again. “He's not. He's getting better. Everyone's been praying and asking God for healing, and he's getting better. Don't you dare say he's dying!” She fled back to the visitor's lounge and joined the prayer circle.
Loni witnessed the last of the outburst and wrapped a reassuring arm around Karyn. “You tried, honey. That's all anyone can ask.”
Karyn leaned her head into her mother's shoulder. “Why doesn't she see the truth?”
“She believes in miracles. Maybe if we all had her faith, we'd feel better.”
The recovery didn't last long, and by nightfall, DeKayne was failing again. Doctors tried different combinations of drugs, hoping to keep him going until he stabilized. But the pain became severe, and Robert and Apylonia made the difficult decision to stop fighting to keep him alive, and only make him comfortable. They waited until the papers were signed and the doctors were arranging a system for him to self-medicate when the pain was too bad before they told Krysten.
“Take it back!” she insisted.
They had tried to keep the discussion quiet, away from the vigil still praying for a miracle.
“It's not fair to Kayney, Honey. He's hurting, and his body is failing on him. The strongest will in the world can be foiled by a weak body,” Loni explained softly.
“DeKayne isn't weak, he's strong. Stronger than any of you. He'll be fine, but you have to help him. You can't give up on him like this.”
Robert brushed the tears from her cheek. “Honey, it was DeKanye's decision too, and this is what he wants. He's tired of hurting, tired of fighting to breathe. You need to let him go.”
“I don't care what you say. I'm not giving up on him, and I won't let him give up on himself, either.” She stormed away from them, heading back into the SICU.
Next to DeKayne's bed again, she took his hand, and he woke at her touch. One look between them told him she knew, and he tried to but on a brave face.
“Don't look so sad, Krissie. I'm not,” he said, forcing lightness.
She sniffled and her face crumpled, but she held her tears back admirably. “Don't quit, DeKayne. Don't give up. It's too soon. I know you can fight it if you just try-”
He cut her off with a gesture, then grimaced in pain. “It's too hard, Krys. Everything hurts so bad I can't think sometimes. I just want it to end. I want to have a little dignity at the end.”
“But don't you understand? This doesn't have to be the end. A little indignity isn't a lot to pay for your life, and you've got so much to live for,” Krysten insisted.
“You're the one who doesn't understand, Krysten,” he retorted, struggling to sit up. “It's the end for me, and I'm going out the best way I know how. Now if you don't want any part of it, then leave.” He fell back against the pillows, exhausted.
Krysten stood and walked over to the window, not wanting to leave, but unable to look at her brother. How could he quit like this, just give up without a fight? Where was his faith? She believed wholeheartedly in the pastor's continuing message; that all things were possible through faith. Now that faith felt stretched fine and brittle and she didn't know what to do.
Her reverie was broken by a nurse, who conversed quietly with DeKayne for a moment, then came over and touched her arm lightly. “Can I do anything for you?” she asked softly.
Krysten continued to stare out the window. “No. Nothing.”
When her parents came in, she was still standing at the window, unwilling to give up, but not wanting to leave. She heard them murmuring and deliberately blocked it out, not wanting to know what they were saying. Then someone came over to her, and she felt her mother's soft, small hands on her shoulders, squeezing gently.
“I know it's hard for you, honey, but don't let your last words to each other be words of anger. Go take your brother's hand and tell him you love him.” Krysten didn't respond, and Loni's grip became firmer. “Don't pout like a child. This is your last chance to say it to his face. Don't throw it away in a fit of pique.” With that, she kissed the top of Krysten's head and left her alone.
Krysten continued to stare out the window, fighting to rein in her feelings so she could face her brother one last time. Then she turned and resumed her place at his side. He smiled wanly.
“I was beginning to wonder if your temper was going to outlast me. I have to admit I'm glad it didn't.”
“I'm sorry,” she whispered, taking his hand. “I just don't want to lose you. I'll be lost without you, DeKayne.” Tears gathered in her eyes as she fought to control her voice.
“I'm not going that far, Krys. Not leaving, really. Just...changing. The warm wind in the cold desert night will be me, watching over you.” He fell silent for a moment, trying to gather his strength. Then he continued.
“Something's going to change for you, Krysten. I can see it coming, and your life won't be the same. But when it happens, you might be scared or unsure. You have to push past that and go with your heart. It will never steer you wrong.” He sighed, and for a moment, she was afraid he was gone. Then his eyes opened again. “Promise me,” he whispered faintly.
“I promise,” she whispered back, squeezing his hand.
He looked to his parents and Karyn. “I'm sorry about this,” he whispered. “I wanted to hold on, but...” he trailed off, but his eyes remained open, watching them.
Loni brushed a cool hand across his pale face. “Don't fret so, my son. What can't be changed has to be accepted. I love you, DeKayne. We all love you.”
He smiled. “I know. I love you all, too....” He drifted off and his eyes fell shut. His chest rose and fell twice, then was still. The machines set up an atonal ringing that summoned a pair of nurses. They murmured quietly between themselves and listened carefully to his chest, then turned off the monitor. One turned to them while the other swiftly and gently removed leads and unhooked tubes.
“You can stay in here with him for a while if you'd like. Just let us know when you're ready to leave.” Then they slipped out quietly.
Krysten remained in place, still holding DeKayne's hand pressed against her face as tears rolled down her cheek.
Karyn bent down to kiss his cheek, then went to the door. “I'll tell the others in the waiting room.” Robert and Loni nodded and she slipped out.
Robert ruffled his eldest son's hair. “I'm going to call Greg. He said he'd wait up to hear and catch a flight out if he needed to come.” He kissed his wife and retreated.
Krysten heard her father leave, then felt that same cool and on her shoulder again. “Are you all right?” she heard her mother ask, and shook her head.
“No. I don't understand.”
“What do you mean, love? What don't you understand?”
Krysten turned to look at her mother. “I prayed. I asked God to save him. I know He could, so why didn't He?”
Loni felt her already bleeding heart wrench again. Krysten had such a child-like faith; a faith that didn't allow for miracles NOT to happen. She sighed and shook her head. “I don't know, Sweetheart. I don't know why God does the things He does, or why He doesn't do them. I only know we have to accept it and be thankful for what we have.”
“I'm supposed to be thankful for my brother's death? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Loni was stunned for a moment. It was probably the first profanity she had heard from Krysten's mouth, but she decided to let it go without comment and chalk it up to the stress. “I think that's something you'll have to decide for yourself,” she replied. She bent down and kissed DeKayne's forehead. “Good-bye, my son. I love you.” Then she too left the room.
Krysten sat and cried over her brother's body.
“Krysten! Come set the table for dinner!”
Loni came out of the kitchen when her call to her youngest child produced no reaction. She found Krysten in her room, perched in her window seat, staring out at nothing. In the month since DeKayne's death Krysten had been sinking deeper and deeper into herself, rarely speaking to anyone, except to reply to a direct statement.
“Krys?” Loni said, touching her shoulder. “It's time for dinner. Would you please come set the table?”
Krysten's head turned and she stared blankly at her mother for a moment.
“Oh. I'm sorry.” She got up woodenly and moved toward the kitchen. Loni followed her, watching carefully until she was certain that Krysten was involved in her task, then went back to her cooking.
Loni heard conversation stop as her family entered the dining room and walked through the swinging door to see what was happening.
Krysten was seated at the table, and she had indeed set it as requested. However, she had laid a place next to hers, plates and flatware arranged perfectly for DeKayne. Loni looked at the others and nodded shortly to get them into their seats. Then she went and casually started collecting the place setting. Krysten's cold hand on her wrist stopped her.
“Please. Leave it.”
Loni looked at her. “Honey, he's not-”
“I know he's not... coming,” Krysten interrupted. “It just helps if I can... pretend... just a little. It makes me feel less... empty, I guess.”
Loni looked in confusion at Robert. The pastor had told them that grief took many forms, and to ride out any strange behavior. Maybe Krysten would finally be able to cope with her loss.
Robert nodded slightly. It was little enough to humor her.
Loni set the flatware back on the table. “If it will make you feel better, honey, of course I will.” She sat down to eat, and slowly, the other's followed her lead.
Two a.m. found Loni in the kitchen heating some milk and trying to decide what had disturbed her sleep enough to wake her completely. When keys rattled at the door, she slipped out of the kitchen and watched the entry way carefully. There was muttering from the other side, then the door finally swung open, and a figure slipped through into the darkness. Loni waited until the door was shut, then turned on the light, illuminted Krysten.
She froze like a deer caught in headlights. Her mother pointed wordlessly to the sofa, and dejectedly, Krysten slumped into it. Loni walked past, holding up a finger to indicate that Kyrs should wait right where she was.
Once in her bedroom, she quickly woke Robert.
“What?” he asked, years of military training snapping him quickly awake.
“Krys just came in,” Loni answered. Robert picked up the clock.
“It's two in the morning,” he remarked. “When did she go out?” He set the clock back on the night stand and threw back the covers. Loni handed him a robe.
“I don't know. She was so quiet after dinner. I thought she'd just gone to her room.”
Robert quickly donned the robe, and together they went out to deal with Krysten. A quick survey of her room indicated that she had slipped out through the open window. Loni looked out and saw the screen resting on the ground where it had been left. Moving back toward the door, her bare foot came down on something small, round and cold. Retrieving it, she held it up to the moonlight, and could barely make out the pressed lettering. “Gold Circle Coin.” She looked at her husband, disbelief in her eyes.
“It's a condom,” she whispered, handing it to him.
He examined the little package. “Unused, too. What on earth is she doing with a condom?” He received a satiric look from his wife. “That's not what I was meant. Where did she get it?”
Loni looked around. “I don't see anymore. Do you suppose someone just gave her one and she stuffed it in a pocket and forgot about it?”
“I think we should ask her about it,” Robert replied.
Krys could see the dark expression on her parents' faces as they came in, and she endeavored to look small and pitiful as they approached. They settled silently on the sofa across from her, and she could feel displeasure radiating from them.
Robert broke the silence. “We found this in your room,” he stated, holding up the gold packet. “Would you like to explain how it got there?”
She snatched it away quickly. “It's mine,” she said, blue eyes hard. “I had it in my pocket, and it must have fallen out.” She tucked it into her jeans. “Why were you in my room? Don't I have any privacy?”
“Young ladies who stay out after curfew generally lose their privacy rights,” Robert replied. “You snuck out of the house, and returned at an indecently late hour. Now what is going on?”
“I was just having fun,” she pouted. “I wanted to get out for a little while, and I lost track of time. I'm sorry, okay?”
“And the condom?” Loni asked.
“They were handing them out at school for AIDS Awareness. I didn't want to make a big scene, so I just took it and forgot about it. Is that all right?”
“Mind your attitude, young lady,” Robert barked. “We're your parents, and we care about you. Now if you can get your act together, we'll forget about this. Do you think you can cooperate with us?”
She sighed. “Okay. Fine. I'll do whatever you want.”
“Good,” said Robert. “Now, for breaking curfew, you are grounded for the weekend.”
“But Dad, there's a big game-”
He cut her off. “No. Curfew has always been a rule in this house, and it will continue to be a rule in this house. I know you miss your brother terribly, but what you need now is stability, and not a permissive, do-what-you-want environment. Now get to bed. It's late and you have school in the morning.”
The next evening, Krysten slid her window open, staring out into the night. It was quiet around the neighborhood, with soft music playing somewhere, and the occasional bark of a dog. The day had been slow and stifling; first being grounded, then forbidden to leave the house without another family member. Now she wanted nothing more than to get out, to be free, and alone for a while, or at least with people she chose to be with.
Almost as if she'd wished for it, a car slid into view, and a figure jumped out, running toward her window. In a moment, she recognized Dell, a boy from school; one she had a crush on, but he'd never given her a second look. He skidded to a halt below the window and waved.
“Hey, Krys,” he called hoarsely. “Mollie said you were pinned down. Want to get out?”
Krys smiled. She knew Mollie wouldn't forget about her. “What's the deal?” she asked.
“Party,” Dell replied succinctly. “Keith's parents are gone for the weekend, and he's generously offered to let us thrash the place. Wanna go?”
Did she ever. Gesturing for him to wait just a moment, she pulled on her shoes, grabbed a jacket, and was out the window like a shot.
The shrill ring of the telephone woke Robert from a sound sleep. He grabbed for it blindly, and found it unerringly.
“Barter,” he snapped.
“Daddy?” came a soft reply.
“Huh? Who-?”
“It's Krys, Daddy,” she answered in a small voice.
“Krys? Where are you? What's going on?” He could hear voices chattering in the background.
“Daddy, I... I need you to come get me. I'm at the police station.” She started to sob and he could get nothing coherent after that.
“Krys? Krys? Honey, I'll be right there. Just tell me what happened.”
“I... I didn't do anything. I was just there,” she managed to get out.
“I'll be there,” he promised. “Just stay put.” He hung up the phone and gently woke Loni. “I have to go,” he told her.
“Wha-? She had missed the phone conversation.
“Krys is in some kind of trouble. We'll have to sit down and talk about it after I get her home.” He threw back the covers and Loni followed suit.
“Where is she?” Loni asked, pulling on a robe.
“Police station, apparently,” Robert replied, dragging on clothes. “I'm beginning to seriously consider that Catholic school again.”
“Robert, her problems won't go away by moving her,” Loni protested.
“Maybe not, but she won't get into worse trouble while she's working things out.”
Robert followed the officer back from the front desk. “We don't intend to charge her,” he was explaining. “Her breath test came back negative for alcohol, although there was drinking going on at this party. Were you aware that there was no supervision at this function?”
“I wasn't aware there was a function, or that Krysten was invited,” he forced out. Kids were everywhere, some crying, others flying on Lord-only-knew-what.
“It's the same old story. Parents away, kids raising hell. You gotta wonder sometimes. Anyway, she's clean; no drugs, no booze, so we'll release her to your custody and that will be it. If she slipped out to go to this thing, you may want to consider some kind of mental help. If you can figure it out early, they don't get really crazy,” the officer said, gesturing to a kid who was staring into nothing and muttering to himself.
Robert swallowed back the bile that rose in his throat. It was all too clear where the road Krysten had started on would end. Then he saw her, huddled on a bench near the back. She looked small and pathetic and he had to force himself to look stern. “Are you ready to go?” he asked, trying to keep his voice hard.
She looked up and nodded, eyes rimmed in red.
“Then let's go home.”
Loni had just put her key in the door as the phone began to ring. “I'm coming, I'm coming,” she muttered, stumbling into the kitchen, laden with grocery bags. She set the bags on the floor and reached for the handset, halting it in mid-ring.
“Hello?”
“Mrs. Barter?” The voice was vaguely familiar, but Loni couldn't place it immediately.
“Speaking.”
“This is Mary Martinez, secretary at Desert Ridge High. Our attendance report shows that Krysten is not at school. Is she home ill?”
Loni's hand flew to her necklace, where she nervously fingered the birthstone charms of her children. “No, she left early this morning, like usual.”
“Well,” Mary continued, “she didn't show up for roll in her first period class. Is there anywhere she might have gone?”
“I'm not sure,” Loni said worriedly. “I'd have to make some calls. Please, if she gets to school, will you tell her to call my cell phone? She knows the number.” Mary said she would, and Loni thanked her before hanging up. Grabbing her purse and keys, Loni rushed out the door, leaving the groceries on the floor.
“She WHAT?” Robert Barter plugged his ear with his forefinger and pressed the mobile phone harder against his other ear. The noise of the hangar was reverberating with the sounds of aircraft maintenance, and he scowled as a crewman ran his pneumatic gun not twenty yards away.
“She's not at school, Bobby,” his wife was saying earnestly, her words a little tinny. “I've already checked the mall and her friend Mollie's house. I'm on my way to the park now. You know how she loves to feed the ducks,” Loni finished, her voice quavering with emotion.
“Now, Loni, don't get upset,” Robert soothed. “I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this. Krys just probably decided to play a little hooky; teenagers do that sometimes, you know.”
Loni turned onto Red Rock Road, which ran the perimeter of the park. “But Krys' never cut class in her life,” she protested. “She's so unpredictable nowadays.”
“I know, but remember what Pastor said, she might act a little funny for a while. She's been through a life-changing event.”
Shaking her head, Loni continued to circle the park. “Bobby, I'm worried. She never used to act like this. What if something's happened to her?” Tears sprang to her eyes as she exited the park and turned back onto the main road. “Ever since DeKayne...I...” Her throat tightened, and a single sob escaped her.
Robert ducked behind a bank of crates, shielding himself from some of the noise. “Honey, don't do this to yourself. Krys has a good head on her shoulders. If anything, what happened to Kayney has taught Krys that she needs to look out for herself.”
“I know, I'm just so scared. She's my little girl.”
Robert smiled to himself, switching the phone to his other ear. “We might think of her as our little girl, honey, but she's sixteen years old now, nearly a grown woman. Soon she'll be out on her own; maybe she's just decided to try her wings a little early.”
“Well, when I find her, she and I are going to have a little talk about trying to fly the nest without telling anyone where she's going,” Loni snapped. “I'll call you when I know more.”
“All right, honey. Listen, don't worry. I'm sure she's all right.” Robert said good-bye and shut the phone off, a grim expression belying his optimistic words two seconds before. “Please, make her be all right,” he whispered.
Two hours later, Loni returned home without her youngest child. Wiping tears away, Loni was reaching for the phone when she heard laughter coming from the living room. Hoping that she wasn't hearing things, Loni replaced the phone on its cradle and went into the other room. There she found Krysten, sprawled on the couch, a bag of potato chips by her side. On the TV screen, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck argued about who Elmer Fudd was going to shoot, and Krysten laughed as Daffy's feathers went in all directions.
The teen looked up at Loni's cough. “Hi, Mom,” she said cheerily, digging out a potato chip and crunching noisily.
Loni wasn't sure how to react; she wanted to grab Krysten and hold her close, smell her hair, touch her face--anything to reassure herself that it really was Krysten, whole and unharmed. Instead, she reminded herself of what she had told Robert, and swallowed the urge to cry. “'Hi Mom'? Young lady, I've been looking for you for three hours, and all you have to say is 'hi, Mom'?”
Krysten shrugged, changing the channel. “What's your problem? I'm here, I'm alive. I'm big enough to take care of myself. Why were you so worried?”
“Well, put yourself in my shoes, Krysten Marie. I get a phone call this morning, telling me that you haven't been seen at school.” Loni grabbed the controller out of Krysten's hand and snapped the TV off. “Then I scour the county for you, worry your father half to death, and make everyone think I'm crazy by asking every stranger on the street if they've seen you.” She shook her head as Krysten studied the carpet intently. “Just answer me this, where were you between the time you left home and now?”
Krysten folded her arms, still not meeting her mother's gaze.
“I'm waiting for an answer, Krysten Marie.”
The teen ventured a hurt glance, quickly looking back at her sneakered feet propped on the coffee table. “Don't I have any privacy? You don't ask Greg and Karyn where they are 24-7.”
Loni was running out of patience. “When they were fifteen, I sure as hell did. Get your feet off the table.”
Narrowing her cerulean eyes, Krysten met her mother's hazel ones in challenge. “I don't have to do everything you say.”
Her mother's face hardened. “Maybe you'd like to try it on your own, see what it's like out there without your family,” she said icily. “If you're so independent, maybe you'd better get your things together.”
Krysten stood, brushing crumbs from her denim shorts. “Maybe I just will. Can't be any worse than living in this dump.”
Loni drew back her hand to slap Krysten's smart mouth, but a stronger hand caught her wrist in a firm grip. Both women turned to see Robert Barter, his face stony. “What's going on here?” he demanded, looking expectantly from his wife to his daughter.
After being sent to bed immediately after a silent dinner, Krysten lay awake, listening to her parents argue downstairs. She couldn't hear everything, but she heard enough to know that she was in serious trouble. There was a quiet knock at her door, and it opened to reveal Greg, home from college for spring break.
“Krissie, you asleep?”
“No.” Krys sat up, still cradling her old Clifford dog in her lap. “I can't sleep when Mom and Dad fight.” She clicked the light on, and Greg saw she was still fully dressed. “Besides, it's only seven-thirty.”
Greg chuckled and sat down on the flowered spread beside his little sister. “I guess you're right. I sleep every chance I get, maybe you should take advantage of it before you get to college. Trust me, when you're in college, you never sleep.” Krysten laughed, and he pretended to be offended. “What, you think I'm joking? You just wait,” he warned with a grin.
Krysten sobered after a moment, hugging her stuffed dog. “I don't think I'm going to college. Mom says she and Dad can't trust me anymore.”
“You gave them a good scare, little sis. No wonder they said that.” Greg looked at Krysten for a moment, then hugged her around the shoulders. “Where were you, really? I promise I won't tell, if you don't want me to.”
She shrugged. “It's no big secret. Lisa and Ginny wanted to hang out with their stupid boyfriends, and they know I was bummed, so they asked me if I'd ditch with them. We dragged around the mall, then I went to the park and fed the ducks. Then I went to see DeKayne.” Krys rolled onto her stomach, laying her head on the worn stuffed animal. “I guess Mom didn't think to look there.”
Greg frowned. “Krissie, I don't think it's good for you to go there all the time. Besides, DeKayne isn't there. You know that.” He stroked his sister's curls. “The real DeKayne is home with the Lord. He's at peace now, and you need to let him go.”
Krysten slid out from under Greg's hand, flinging her doll down on the bed in frustration. “I am so sick of hearing that!” She spat through clenched jaws, sitting down hard on the gable windowseat. “You're all like a bunch of parrots, repeating what you've heard from all the stupid doctors and pastors and everyone else.” She stared up at the night sky, tears blurring the bright disk of the moon into a distorted blob. “It's fine with me if you all choose to forget him, but at least let me remember him the way I want to.”
“Dammit, Krys, that's not what I meant!” Greg strode across the room to stand next to her, close enough that she had to look up to see him. “We can't forget him, any more than you can! Especially Mom, who carried him in her own body, for God's sake! And what about Dad? DeKayne was his firstborn son. Think about what that must do to him, to know that DeKayne's gone.” He sat opposite her, the moonlight painting his dark brown hair with silver. “And what about Karyn and me? He was our big brother too, you know.” Tears formed in Greg's hazel eyes, and he swiped at them with the sleeve of his collegiate sweatshirt. “Things will never be right again, but we've got to make the best of it and go on.”
Krys' voice was flat, emotionless. “I don't want to. Not without DeKayne.”
Greg sighed, wiping his hands on his jeans. “I know how you feel, Krys. I really do. But we've got to try.” He pulled her up from the windowseat and hugged her. “DeKayne would have wanted us to.”
The next morning, Robert came downstairs for breakfast, yawning tiredly. He and Loni had talked well past one o'clock, then tossed and turned for the remainder of the night. He found Loni in the kitchen, making french toast and talking to Karyn. He hugged his daughter, then hugged and kissed his wife. “Good morning, ladies. Where is my third beauty?”
“She's out back somewhere, last I saw of her.” Greg walked into the kitchen just in time to answer his father. He kissed his mother, then tugged playfully on Karyn's ponytail as he passed. “I think she's gardening or something.”
“Hmm.” Robert went to the back door, pushing open the screen and letting it slap closed behind him. He watched Krysten for a moment, then walked up behind her and patted her shoulder. “Good morning, princess. What are you up to so early this morning?”
“Oh, hi, Dad.” Krysten turned around, shading her eyes with a gloved hand, her garden shears in the other. “Just doing a little trimming, that's all.” She turned back to her prize rosebushes, carefully snipping a fragrant yellow bloom from the thorny stems. Placing it carefully among several others in the basket on her arm, she moved to another bush before repeating the action.
Robert took another sip of his coffee, frowning worriedly. “Everything okay?”
“Everything's fine, Dad. I'll be in for breakfast in a minute.”
“All right, sweetie. Mom made your favorite, french toast.” When she didn't respond, he turned and went back into the house, sighing.
Krysten came into the house a few minutes later, placing the roses in a water-filled vase before stripping off her gloves and tossing them into the basket. Amid curious stares from her family, Krysten set the vase on the counter, then moved woodenly to her place at the breakfast table. Everyone joined hands and bowed their heads while Robert said grace, then Krysten placed her napkin in her lap and began to eat, her movements robot-like. Her parents exchanged worried glances, then Robert wiped his mouth with his napkin and put his hand on Krysten's arm.
“Honey, what would you say to taking your summer vacation a little early this year?”
Krysten shrugged. “I don't care.”
“Well, your mother and I think it would be nice to take a little trip. What do you say we go visit your aunt Stella in New York? She hasn't seen you since you were little.”
Again, the shrug. “Whatever.”
Ignoring his daughter's indifference, Robert smiled to his wife. “While we're up there, maybe we can see your alma mater, Loni. I don't think Krys has ever been there, do you?”
Loni shook her head. “No, I don't think so. Last time we were up there was when Krys was just a toddler. That was for my class reunion; I don't think you remember that, do you, sweetie?”
“No.” Krysten finished her milk, then put her knife and fork in her empty plate. “May I be excused?”
“Of course, dear. Those are some beautiful roses,” Loni commented. “It was nice of you to bring them in so we can all enjoy them.”
Krysten fixed her mother with a hard, blue stare. “They're not for you. They're for DeKayne.” She picked up the vase and her keys, leaving her family stunned in her wake.
Loni lowered her head into her hands. “I don't think this will work, Bobby,” she whispered, as Greg and Karyn moved to hug her.
Robert patted her hand. “It's got to. She can't stay like this forever, and maybe a change of scenery will do her good.”
Karyn looked up at her father. “Are you really going to send Krys away, Dad?”
“Yeah, what will that help?” Greg asked.
“Maybe if she's not surrounded with things that remind her of DeKayne every day, she'll start to heal.” Robert rubbed his eyes. “I just don't know what to do for her anymore.”
“But St. Benedict’s is so far away,” Karyn protested. “All the way in New York State. Krys hasn't ever been outside of California. She'll be so homesick.”
Greg looked at his sister. “She's not getting any better hanging around here, Kare. Maybe Dad's right, maybe Krys needs to get away for a while. Besides, Aunt Stella's going to be there.”
Karyn sighed. “I know. It just seems like we lost DeKayne, and now we're going to lose Krysten, too.”
Two weeks later, Krysten and her parents pulled up to the gates of St. Benedict's School, the well-oiled scrollwork gates parting before the hood of their rented car. Loni turned back to her daughter, who was in the exact middle of the back seat, her arms folded defiantly. “Isn't this a beautiful place, Krys? It hasn't changed a bit since I went to school here.”
“Looks more like a prison, to me.”
“Well, it's not. Just give it a chance, Krys, we haven't even gone inside yet.” Loni pointed out the window. “Over there is the soccer field, then beyond that is the stable. I'll never forget my first riding lesson; if I fell off that horse once, I fell off a dozen times.”
“I'm not cleaning up horse shit.”
Robert frowned. “What did I tell you about that language, Krysten? No more. I mean it.” He stopped the car and shut it off, then got out and opened the door for Loni. “Come on, we're going inside.” He opened the door for Krysten, who sighed as if the weight of the world was on her shoulders as she got out of the car.
“The Dean will see you now,” said a young novice, smiling as the Barters rose from comfortable chairs in the foyer. “Right through that door.”
“Thank you, Sister,” Loni said, returning the woman's smile as Robert herded a sullen Krysten through the doorway and into the Dean's study.
“Loni Yentburg, is that you?” The Dean of Students rose from her massive walnut desk, slipping her delicate glasses off her nose and letting them hang from the chain around her neck. “I haven't seen you in twenty years! And who's this handsome fellow, can't be that charming man in uniform you always talked about!” The middle-aged woman shook Robert's hand, and recognition dawned on Loni's face at last.
“Susan Stewart! You were valedictorian of my class! You're right, it's been ages.” She shook the Dean's hand fondly. “And yes, this is Robert Barter, my husband.”
“And I don't have to wear a uniform now, but Loni tells me I'm still charming,” Robert quipped, as the Dean laughed.
“Call me Sister Genevieve,” the Dean said, her eyes bright like a robin's. “And this must be your daughter. She looks just like you, Loni.”
Krysten smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. “Thank you, Sister.”
Sister Genevieve's eyebrows rose under her close-fitting headpiece, and she nodded knowingly. “Well, you're just in time for tea. Let's have a cup in my office, and then I'll show you around.”
“It's like nothing's changed,” Loni breathed, as the Barters walked along the covered patio, looking out onto the emerald grass of the sports field. Then she laughed, turning to Sister Genevieve, who was clad in a knee-length pair of black cullottes, flesh-toned hose and black flats, along with a summer-weight black mock turtle, banded with white at the neck. “Although some things most certainly have changed, and for the better.”
Sister looked at her attire and chuckled. “This is certainly less intimidating than when we were in school, isn't it? And I must say, a lot more comfortable, though this is pretty casual for me.” She ventured a glance at Krysten, who was walking behind the group, her eyes fixed unseeingly on a group of girls playing softball in the field. “You like to play sports, Krysten?”
Krys folded her arms across her button-down blouse, the breeze stirring the crisp pleats of her navy skirt. “I guess.”
Robert fell back to put an arm around Krysten's shoulders. “She's a dancer, Sister Genevieve, and she's very good at it.”
“Oh?” Sister's eyebrows rose again. “En pointe?”
“Oui,” Krysten said automatically, and smiled genuinely for the first time since they had arrived at the school. “I have my own shoes and everything. Dad built me a barre in the basement back home so I could practice.”
Sister smiled back, squeezing Loni's hand where Krysten couldn't see. “That's wonderful, Krysten. We have an excellent program here at St. Benedict's. Our instructor, Sister Bethany, once studied with the Bolshoi before she joined the Order.” She stopped, gesturing to the door of the hall. “Would you like to see the studio? I think our Saturday afternoon class is just finishing up, and I'm sure Sister Bethany would be more than happy to introduce you.”
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” Krysten shouted.
“We think it will be good for you, Krysten,” Loni said, reaching out to her, although her gesture was ignored. “You need some space from everything that’s happened.”
“What I need is for everyone to stop hovering over me. I need to be able to breathe without being stared at. I need to be able to do what I want to do without suffering the Spanish Inquisition. Why is that so hard for you to understand?” she asked plaintively.
“Krysten,” her father said firmly,” your mother and I have not made this decision lightly. St. Benedict’s is a good school, and you will be safe there, and have some time to work out your feelings without placing yourself in danger. We are very concerned about your safety, and this seems to be the best option. We want this for you.”
“What about what I want?” she snapped back. “Don’t I get a say in this?”
“You liked it well enough last week,” Loni reminded her.
“Yeah, to visit. I didn’t say anything about staying there. DeKayne is here, and I can’t leave him.”
Robert was fed up. This seeming refusal for Krysten to get on with her life had finally gone to far. “DeKayne is dead, Krysten. There is nothing you can do for him. All you’re doing by pretending is upsetting yourself and upsetting us. Maybe some distance will give you perspective on this issue, so you are going. This discussion is over.” He watched unsympathetically as she threw herself onto the bed.
“I hate you!” she sobbed. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”
Robert drew Loni away. “Be that as it may, we are scheduled for a MAC flight tomorrow morning, so I suggest you be ready to go.” He left the room with Loni and shut the door.
“Oh, Bobby. Are you sure we’re doing the right thing?” Loni questioned.
“I don’t know anymore. All I do know is that being here is killing her, slowly but surely, and if I have to send her away to save her, then I will.”
Late that night, Krysten slipped out of her room, determined to make one last foray, not out with her friends, but to her beloved DeKayne’s room. She crept softly down the hall and slipped into his room. Nothing here had changed. No one had been able t o come in here and dismantle their last connection to their loved one, so the room sat silent, waiting in vain for its lost master.
Krysten looked around, touching things here and there; a book, a chair, the post on the foot board of the bed. She engraved it into her memory, knowing when she came home, if she was ever allowed to return home, that all this would be gone. Without her, they would all work hard to go on, to get past his death, when all she wanted was to remember the hurt from that day forever. She knew, somehow, if she lost the hurt, she would lose DeKayne too, and that was unacceptable.
She moved quietly in the dark room to the bedside table and slid the drawer open. Jenna had pressed something into Krysten’s hand at the funeral, and still lost in the pain of fresh grief, Krys had brought it here and dropped it in the drawer. Now, she wanted it back, If her family was going to cut her off from everything familiar and friendly in her life, she would take something with her. Something to remind her, everyday, of what she had lost. She scrabbled in the drawer, cursing the darkness softly, until her fingers came in contact with something round and cold. She snatched it out and rushed to the window to examine her prize. There it lay in her palm, bathed in the clean white light of the moon. DeKayne’s class ring. He’d given it to Jenna, and she’d returned it after his death. Now, it would be hers. She slipped it into her pocket and stole silently back to her own room.
The next afternoon, they rolled through the scroll-work gates again, and when the car rolled to a stop, Krysten jumped out without prompting.
“Do you want us to help you get settled?” Loni asked, watching as Krysten moved toward the doors.
“No,” she replied. “You should go. You don’t want to miss your flight.” She walked through the doors without looking back.
Sister Genevieve moved to reassure them. “Why don’t you bring her bags in and then we’ll finish the paperwork. I’m sure she’ll be back to see you off. It can be hard, going to a new school so far from home, and after such a tragedy.” She guided them inside.
The room was plain, but Sister assured them it didn’t have to stay that way. “She can decorate it however she pleases, within reason. Many of the girls use the opportunity to express themselves through their decor, since the uniforms make it difficult. I’m sure Krysten will make herself right at home here.”
They looked around the room, trying not to feel too uncomfortable. “Should we unpack for her?” Loni asked.
Sister shook her head. “It’s best for Krysten to decide where she wants her things. It’s all part of settling in. Why don’t we go to my office and wrap up the paperwork? Then we’ll find Krysten and you can say your good-byes.”
Krysten pulled the chain she’d hidden out from under her blouse. Now it sported DeKayne’s blue and gold ring, and she grasped it tightly in her fist, trying not to cry. She slipped into the sanctuary, looking for some quiet, and a place where her parents wouldn’t find her, at least, for a while. Despite her best efforts, a strangled sob escaped her lips, and after that, it was impossible to restrain them. So loud were her cries that she didn’t hear the footfalls approaching, and was completely unaware of the person next to her until she felt a hand on her shoulder.
“What troubles you so, child?” It was another of the nuns, this time in full dark habit.
“I... I don’t want to be here,” Krysten managed. Then the whole story came flooding out. “My brother died, and I’m so miserable and I prayed for it not to happen, but it did and now I’m here and I just don’t understand!” She broke out into fresh sobs.
The nun wrapped a comforting arm around her. “You asked the Lord to save your bother, but he died, and you’ve been sent here?” the sister clarified.
Krysten nodded. “And I don’t understand. I asked God to heal him, but He didn’t. He didn’t answer me. I’ve always gone to church; I’ve always believed. Why didn’t He answer me?”
The sister smoothed back Krysten’s hair. “Child, I think your prayer was answered, though it was not the answer you wanted. God never neglects us, any of us, but not all of our desires are a part of His plan. When it seems like we are not being heard, or our prayers are not being answered, it is His way of saying ‘No.’”
“But I miss him!” Krysten wailed.
“I know child. All who have lost someone miss that person for the rest of their lives. You must pray for guidance, and ask God what His plan for you is.”
“Do you think He’ll answer?” Krysten asked.
“You will receive an answer, child. Whether or not you will know it when it comes is another matter,” the sister said gently.
“Thank you, sister.” Krysten slid to the padded bench and began to pray for strength to face the future.
*THE END*
Send comments to: Lady MoonHawke
Back to the Shadowspace
Back to the Silverhawks Fanfiction
Back to the Skyedansuer Chronicles